Give me back my cockring, you asshole

I know you are all dying to hear more about my Japan trip, sorry again to be so skimpy on the tell-tales and doodads, but that was almost 2 weeks ago, and like Slavery and the Holocaust, it's totally behind me. Nothing bad happened, I had a great time, and spent many hours riding the trains without getting molested, even once. Would you really like to hear more along that vein, or instead, treat yourself to the sore tale of pot of stupid I have bubbling in the present? No contest.

A little background first; I must admit I lied some months ago when I stated unequivocally that I was going to stop using a certain ubiquitous personals site because of all the bastards on it. I kept using it, and met someone I thought I might have good chance of mutual happiness with. I was contacted, we met, we talked, we laughed and made merry and dated for a month; everything was going so well. Apparently, he had seen me a work and had wanted to ask me out for months, and the website provided the perfect opportunity. I could imagine joking with folks at the wedding about the crazy story of how we met and our hi-larious first impressions of one another while everyone in the circle giggled and sipped box champagne. And then...we broke up. Quite suddenly. The reason given was that we should break up now to avoid the pain of having to possibly break up down the road, and we might have to break up later because one day I might want my own biological children and you can't provide them, so we'd have to break up then anyway. Bitch slap me please, because that was way too theoretical for me. We had been dating for a MONTH, you don't start thinking about shit like that until the bowl is nearly full.

I came the conclusion that had to be bullshit, because not one single line of reasoning there was applicable at all in the here and soon reality that we all occupy. Naturally I was angry that I had been broken up with without just cause, and I communicated that. The next thing I know, we can never be friends and I never want to see you again. Just to reiterate, we have not been involved deeply enough for anything even approaching such animosity to be born. But what the hell, obviously the objects in mirror were closer than they appeared. He returned the DVDs I had left at his place in the mailbox so he wouldn't have to see my offensive mug again, I likewise returned his belongings. Then I decided that I really wanted that cock-ring back.

I had gotten him a cock-ring while I was abroad, on the assumption that it was more of a "mutual" gift, that we were both going to share in naughty pleasures with. I am not usually one for Indian-giving, but I got only one night out of that cock-ring, and I felt I should have it back that we might explore greener pastures elsewhere together. After all, those things are expensive, and if that relationship had been a watch, I would have returned it to the store, receipt in hand, for a full refund after it crapped out on my ass less than a week from purchase. So I broke out the old email and asked for the cock-ring back, politely.

The response the came back was, 'I destroyed it. A low request".

Destoyed the cock-ring?! Like 'with fire and anvil' destroyed? I didn't think it was possible for us to come so soon and without event to the point where the enemity was such that destruction of mutual property was on the menu, even as an appetizer. My ex, with whom there was far more history and opportunities for such revenge, never did anything like that to my person or property, and having encountered the worse end, I am starting to re-think my definition of a bad break-up. I am still so completely flabbergasted by the sudden change of attitude, that the destruction of the cock-ring has made the whole thing far less tragedy than comedy, and made me thoroughly grateful that the bloom went off the rose before I went and bought a couple dozen.

At least now, I have established several criteria for cutting a new relationship off at the knees:

1) Never date anyone who speaks unforgivingly badly about their ex, and gives very forgivable examples of how bad said ex was.
2) Never date anyone who just wants to focus on their "career".
3) Never date anyone who finishes every sentence with "so I told him/her to fuck right off"
4) Never date anyone who says "I've thought about it, and I just haven't done anything wrong".
5) Never date anyone who listens to art rock.

And don't be fooled by the overconfident either, because despite the chaotic posture, it is amazing easy to dig your own grave with your head up your ass.