I think I must mention being horny too often on this blog, but I suppose it's a small price to pay for being a functioning human being; what is not a small price to pay is $5 for a completely un-arousing video rental.
It all started in Taiwan. I have never been one to openly seek "porn-OGrophy", because I should be "better" than that. But when I was in Taiwan some years ago with my ex-boyfriend, I decided the perfect blend to spice up our XXX-life would be my very own Kung-fu porn compilation.
See, I like there to be a "plot", you know, characters and drama, story development ie: conflict, crisis, "climax" and resolution. And I managed to find a little DVD number that looked tre hot. The pictures on the back were promising, though not so risque as to be vulgar. So I picked it up for small fee, and brought it back to Japan with me (don't even ask why I never picked up any Japanese porn, that is a topic for another, long day). When I popped it into the player, what ended up coming out at me wouldn't have covered a kittens titty.
No only was there no penetration, nor even anything resembling sex enough to be arousing, it wasn't even the same film as the pictures showed on the back. Production quality was beyond the beyonds; they hadn't even bothered to synchronize the swishing sounds of the swords being expertly wielded - steel ones- and despite speaking only the tiniest amount of Mandarin, it was clear even to my ignorant ears that their was no story line. The closest thing to a sex scene was a part where a monk was fondling the tits of his giggling serving wenches seconds before the hero burst in and started flailing his flimsy sword at them - the steel one, again. It almost would have been worth the airfare to fly back just to return the piece of garbage - couldn't even live up to the name Trash!
Fast forward to now. Our little video store has a small section of "Erotica", and in a vain and misguided attempt to put the penis back in happiness. I ended up settling on "Diary of a sex addict"- hoping it wasn't just a clever name -but it appears that someone out there has more brains than balls where it is least needed. Not only does this film also NOT have any sex scenes in it, it includes a most embarassing scene where the sister-in-law of said sex addict, comes over to his house threatening to expose his affairs, of which she has gained magical knowledge, to his wife. She is practically frothing at the mouth as she screams at him and even throws his face a decent punch, which only intensifies the glare of his bedroom eyes. Then she gets a call from her husband, and in the course of the 30 second conversation, it becomes obvious that the sister-in-law is an insecure, hopelessly neglected sex-fiend, and in the next moment the man is upon her - and she WANTS IT! This is one of those little themes in literature that pops up to remind those watching that the authour was surely a man, just in the way that tight-liped composure that conceals the massive ocean of emotion in Mr. Darcy could only possibly have been written by a woman. Real women don't want to have sex with people they hate, at least not according to the latest re-print of "No means No". I got through about 10 minutes at normal speed, and another 3 on fast forward before I had commit that one to the grave.
So here I am, alone and porn-less. I have more or less given up my quest, since I just don't have the courage to take a copy of "There's a giant cock up my sweet ass" to the acne-covered 14 year old working the counter at Movie Express, and I'm not willing to shell out 40$ to own it forever.
You may ask, but Charles, why in Gods hot pink, moist flesh do you not use the Internet to satisfy your lusts, that's what the thing was built for, wasn't it? I have to answer that I don't for the same reason that I don't eat at food fairs - there is too much selection and no easy way to assertain if any of it is any good before you take the plunge.
I think I'll invest in erotic photographs; that way at least, someday my prints will come.
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