Pope-omotion

Powell River is a shining mini example of Canadian news media democracy since Conrad Black: we have two local papers and both are owned by the same company. One of them, I must be fair, is not really a paper and doesn't make too much pretense of being one: it is aptly titled "The Weekend Shopper", and the only bit of "news" to be found in it besides a listing of upcoming events is the "cover story", which I hear costs about $600, and is nothing but a full page, journalist contrived ad for the local business or "interest group" (superfluous use of " " fully justified). It's really hilarious to go to a business a see a clip out of said ad framed and hung with pride on the wall by the cash register, as if they had done so darn good that the media was forced to take notice and inform community, like "hey, these dudes rock out, go buy some chinese relaxation balls or window cocking from them. They'll get you in bed with girls and clear up your acne post haste". That's the kind of publicity money can't buy...except....you know...when it can.

This week, it was the Catholic Church's turn at the wheel, so if you were wondering why there are still babies starving in Africa, now you know where the money went. The Powell River Catholic parish is called the Assumption, which as my good friend Grumpus noted, waxes bright as a supreme Fraudian slip for a religious institution predicated on the intractible belief in superpowers unproven. The Assumption also runs a school from kindergarden to grade 9, which was the subject of this weeks "story" in the Weekend Shopper, the assumption being that god's women folk are not producing enough heirs to the faith to fill the classrooms, which amusingly enough, was exhalted by the ad as a serious plus point ("small classes of not more than 20 students, your child gets more one on one attention") as if they had done it on purpose.

The ad begins with a opening statement by the principle; "I want to clear up some misconseptions about the school; that we are strict disciplinarians, that we don't teach the curriculum, that we only accept catholics, none of these are true". They do teach the curriculum, since you have to be accredited, but as for the first statement, I hereby draw upon the experiences of two of my best friends, D&D. Man-D was born left handed and had his satan-hand tied to his desk by the good sisters to force his jesus hand into full expression, with the end result that today neither hand had reconciled with the other and even his best handwriting could easily be used to forge prescriptions. Lady-D had her falling tears collected in a jar that one of the sisters was going to use to...well that part noboby know, but I suspect it to be a ritual involving immortality, eye of newt, tears of catholics, and the blood of virgins. So strict in their disciplinary ways were they that on occasion they forbade the sinful expulsion of bodily fluids, and asking for potty time was tantamount to asking for purgatory. One boy, whom I later came to know in middle school, was apparently denied this priveledge once, and unable to contain himself after the sister had left the room, ran to the corner and pee-ed in the radiator, burning his little member in the process. Upon discovery, he had to be unceremonially dragged out of the room whimpering, "I burnt my weenie, I burnt my weeeeniiieeee". It seems then no surprise that he once, rather later, upon entering class in his fathers massive trenchcoat, pulled out a plastic rifle and a handful of shot-shells, aimed at his classmates, and mouthed "eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh" as he let the the spent shells drop to the floor. This was before Colombine, when such behaivour was generally met with "boys will be boys", rather than metal detectors, police escort, court psychologist, and group therapy for the entire school.

As for the non-catholic inclusion policy, "why, we even had a little Buddhist boy some years ago", they article goes on to state that they prefer a comfortable 80/20 catholic/non-catholic split. Apparently, this gives the catholics opportunities to "stand up for their faith, and learn to tolerate and accept other ideas". You know what 8 on 2 sounds like to me? An unfair fight. It's one thing to be given the opportunity to stand up for your faith in an even contest, but I hate to think of all the crusty-nosed, puffy-lipped little kids who have to go home everyday and explain to their heathen/lesbian parents that they just got jostled for Jesus.

I am by no means against faith education; indeed faith is one of the few things that can keep us from narrowing our perception of the world only to it's finite and seemingly insurmountable problems. However, faith and religion are not one in the same, and are even less so when it comes to education. Assumption could better spend the money to encourage catholics to have more children; at least that is an advertising campaign that has a bit more soul that the false compromise of including non-believers merely to reduce the heat of the infernal hellfire that awaits them, and the burden of their parents overabundant bank accounts.